Trailercast Episode 072 - Happy Father's Day?
There are some things I just wish were different. But all that wishing doesn’t make reality any less true or any less painful. Episode 72 is the Father’s Day episode I wasn’t planning on recording, let alone publishing.
Sometimes it’s the things in our blind spots that help to illuminate the whole picture.
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Welcome to the trailercast with Elyse Snipes each week. I will be sharing with you from inside my vintage trailer where I work as a therapist and share some of my musings on The Human Experience.I am endlessly fascinated and inspired by people.I love being a therapist and I'm deeply grateful for the intimate and beautiful work I get to do. I believe we are a wild the capable of healing and making this world a better place and this is my attempt at doing that sharing Beauty to invoke Beauty.May you find yourself inside these stories and ponderings and be better for it.Cheers. Hey, everybody happy to be back here with you again today.And I just wanted to remind you guys again that we're going to be doing that incredible event coming up in July,July 20th.If you are local to Orange County would love to have you even if you're not think about coming down July 20th,9:30 to 11:30 in the morning.We are doing a full-blown mind-body event.We're gonna be working about uncovering our core beliefsand kind of pairing that with our core strengths.So I'll be hosting the mental portion of that the Mind portion of uncoveringwhat our core beliefs are.How do we understand them where they come from?How can they serve as rather than S being bound to them and just kind of yeah,I think they're really good entry pointor introduction to some of this workand then really learning how to flip the script on those core beliefsand being able to like live at of our power out of ourselves.That's more than a buzzword living out of our power doesn't mean likemanifesting into like the whole can be in somethingor someone were not it means taking up all the space that's ours and living out of our true.Then takes off in a way that feels like yes instead of like oh,hi,so it's Unapologetic.It's Fierce.It's you and you deserve to get to live in all of you.And that's the whole point of this event.And then we're coupling that with body work the more we can anchorwhat we do mentally emotionally psychologically spiritually to our physical body the longer lastingand more immediate that change becomes so and partnering with my friend Aurora.I interviewed her last week.So episode 71 if you're curious aboutthat and we got to hear from her about how she is able to help people come back into theirbody how to regulate how to Upright upcycled down cycleand all the beautiful ways that she helps people focus on their coreso that they can also again live in their strength and power.It's going to be fire you guys.So if your local come join us tickets are available on my website at www.esc11.net.Love to have you seriously bring a friend.There's less than 30 spots left.So if you're thinking about it just do it.What are we waiting for people?Let's do that.Okay.Now this is super interesting episode.I feel like I have avoided even jumping intoso much so that I didn't even see it and what I mean is this last week,my husband was like hey,so are you not going to do an episode for Father's Day?And it was I was like what I didn't even I didn't even like see itand he wasn't asking like for himself.He was asking more about my own relationship with my dadand wondering if that was maybe a confusingor emotional episode and that's why I avoided it and I literally was like,I it never crossed my mind.I didn't even think about doing a Father's Day episode.And as I sat with that question,I immediately had like this pit in my stomach and I'm like,uh,the reason I didn't think about it is because I didn't want to think about it.Like the reason I didn't want to do a Father's Day episodeis because I Didn't want to have to talk about this and then because I just can't help myself.I was like,all right,I'm gonna go sit with that this week.I really do need to sit and spend some time with with my avoidedinformation like with the things I like to keep elsewhereor not.Look at when they become stories.I don't want to tell or things that I wish weren't true.Like honestly that's what it comes down to is I wish that I was sharing with you a Father's Dayepisode that was different than the one that I am going to share.That's just that's just the truth of it.So because it's been like this blind spot this thing.I haven't wanted to look atand therefore haven't I feel like it's like now taking up room that might not be super healthy.So explain that like if there are relationshipsor people or things in our life that we don't want to look at wehave to consciously like shift our bodyor position or look the otherway and I think that I'd been doing that kind of like Turned or pivoted or shifted this way.Looking at something different not wanting to look at the painful relationship.And I think it's time for me to shift the other way like to be able to turn aroundand face and look and see the substance of what is or what is it and not be afraid to look into it.I think it's less about fear.Like when I reflect on my own avoidanceand has more to do with sadnessand I feel deeply sad about my relationship with my dadand it again it just something I wish was a different scenario.I wish it was a different story.So without further Ado Father's Day episode.So it's complicated my relationship with my dad is complicated and it's not finished.And so there's this part of me that restrains from or not restrains.Like it keeps eyes hold back right from talking about it because I'm not sure how it's going to end.And so there's things I was gonna like keep my cool my cards pretty close to my Itbecause I'm unsure of what's going to go down or how it's going to end.So There's this line from the book Bird by Bird by Anne.Lamott and she talks about telling the truthand what it's like to write about stories that implicate other peopleand she says something to the effect that if people don'twant you to write shitty things about them,then they shouldn't have done shitty things and that line is like freeing for me.It's fire because it's like yeah,I didn't do that shitty thing me telling it exposes maybe the shitty thing, but then maybe they should have been done in the first placeand I think that's maybe like that's the space that I'msitting in right now is how do I tell a truthand share a story is that implicate more than just me?And I know that I'm not alone in this I get asked this often from listeners aboutwhat do I do about my relationship with thisperson or this person because it's still there still in my life or they're still alive.Like do I talk about it or open up a batter?How do I live through it?And when?won't participate in a relationship that's functional healthy,so I'm speaking to myself todayand I'm speaking to you today who also have some of these question marksin your life regarding complicated relationshipsor relationships that you wish that the status was different than what it is.My relationship with my dad has always been complicated probably just because he's complicated.You know,I think that there are his own blind spotsand then negligent way that he has not chosen to look into his own like personalityand character deficits that cause a lot of injury to me to my family to his friends to his familyand then I think because of that like we suffer the consequences of thatand are left with the consequences now and not with him.So right now we're at this kind of like bizarre standstillwhere we had some like massive falling outsbecause I decided to confront him about I want to say like a singular relationship.So I sent him an email and I let him know that I felt he was reallyonly living at a one part of who he is.He was only living as husbandand he wasn't also living as son or parent or grandfather or friend or brother,but that really was only stock in this one relationship and it went really bad.I can't even die.Will it blew up?And I don't regret it.I don't regret speaking upfor myself or advocating for the truthof what was happening or bringing that those observations to the surface.It was true.And it only highlighted what was happening.It was painful.It was fucking nuts.If I'm honest it was crazy,but it was good because it was true.And I think what that did is I confronted something that I haven't in my whole entire lifeso you cuz the most of my lifeand my relationship with my dad I spent protecting his house of cards.The majority of my life.I had spent protecting his egoand wanting him to be better than he wasand greater than he was and so I participated in this delusion that he was like this hero.But on paper and the reality of what he had chosen to do it as own life. that's not it's not real and I think that fall from like delusion that fall from like that falsereality was radically disrupting to my own like psychological processbecause so many things were connectedor tied to this massive piece of my dad being a certain figure in our familyand having to let him go having to confront that he is not in this all-white character,but they had more way more Shades of Grayand clearly like some pretty massive fuck-ups that I had to actually lookat or confront if I also wanted to knock you participate in that delusion,which is also keeping me sick and stuck.So I'm trying to think aboutwhat are parts of the back story that would be beneficialfor you to know so that this episode makes more sense than me tosharing the Snippets of my reflections. When my dad was sober he was like this heroic figure funand spontaneous and caring and sensitive and poetic entertaining.Oh my God,so entertaining a million stories one better than the next all exaggeration.But as a kid,you just want them to all be truebecause you want to be sucked up into this grandiose storybecause it feels so good because that storyfeel so much better than the reality that you're livingin and I think that that was true of the way that I understood.My dad is I want to be a part of the story that he was telling I wanted to liveand be a reflection of like of that good of that goodness.Our life was pretty intensely like sick.Our family cycle was really sick with a lot of abuse in our family a lot of addiction to salt. Who's upstairs it upside down house,you know,I mean like I think like parents werekids and kids were parentsand everyone was a mess and we couldn't find her way out of that cycleand our parents Dynamic just kind of Drew us into a realistic cycle as well.So when he was sober it was goldand then when he chose to engage his addiction to alcohol it was like Jekylland Hyde a totally different person would come forward terrifying afucking terrifying terrifying terrifying person violentand unpredictable unrecognizable.And I think what happens when we live with somebody who engagesand that had the behaviors that we have to make excusesfor it or somehow put it into a psychological place that makes sense.It was blame.The alcohol will say,oh it's because of that because he's drunkis because this but that person is also within him all the time just beside that thin A lovestory or that thin veil of fun came someone who's super dangerous?It took a long time for him to get sober and figure it out.But before that there wasso much wreckage and damage doneso much physical violenceand intensity that I think it always left it a quiet fear within us at least a breach of trust.I'll speak for myself.I don't want to pay for my siblings that's unfair.So for me a sense of I want to join good dadand I want to pretend that bad dad doesn't exist and it's been a lot of my life doing that.Hence why I couldn't ever confront anything that was less than good within himbecause I had to protect that sense of know,he's the good one.He's the good parent.And so I polarized my family mom is bad dad is goodand because of that I painted each person in either all whiteor all black and that's a pretty typical like psychological defenseor even like just natural psychological process of growing up is you will be goodand then you will be bad and in my like individuating from that family cyclehas been this process of understanding the shade.Gray,white and black with in both being able to allow my mom to have give her more graceand come to more understanding of who she is and how complicated that must have been for her too.And then for my dad allowing him to allow him to be responsiblefor the things that are and have always been his responsibility,but that I was just absorbing and take responsibility for so with all that to say Eventually,he ended up going to I'm going to prisonand it was one of the greatest exhales of my lifelike as shameful and is intense and obliterating as it was to our whole family system.I think it was the first time in my life.It was the first of my life has ever been able to come homeand that wonder what the night was going to be like like it was like,oh my God,I don't have to I didn't realize how much I'd been carrying How concernedand hyper-vigilant I had becomeabout what what each day was going to be likebecause of how unpredictable his addiction was and then knowing that like,I wasn't going to have to worry about thator hold that anymore was incredibly relieving During that spanwas there are a lot of things that got figuredout for me for him for for the rest of my familyand he turned his life around and some pretty incredible ways when he got released.It was like this like now,I know it'd be a little more like Fusion delusion,but it was like sober dad was home.Like all good.Dad was home and I wanted that to be true more than anythingand I think that we had like a really solid run,you know of a receiving this like all good guy back into my lifeand when that happened I with a loud all the rest of the painor the things I didn't want to remember just be like,oh that was back then that wasn't that's not him nowand so I continued to participate in like saying,oh that wasn't like,you know,that was blah blah.That was bubble.I just reduced it minimized it will ultimately they want to look at it.He ends up getting remarried.That's a whole other conversation something that's I still feel like isn't even worth.Giving too much air time to but it shook things up and it really affected his ability to see things accurately.It's skewed him and isolated him and made him sick my brother dying in 2006 radically solidified.I think that the unhealth of that relationship and the safety that he found in it. Yeah,man,I'm saying this there's even things I want to edit out because again,I don't want this to be true,but I'm going to challenge myself not to do that.Sometimes things are just shitty and that just the way they are.Sometimes it's someone's faultand sometimes it's just shitty It's just sometimes this is what it is with all that to be said.There's a deep longing and myself to have this relationshipwith my dad that I've always wanted to be there.And I feel like as I've gotten olderand wanted to advocate for myself to have that to have a real relationshipor a genuine relationship.And then that was kind of going to like hell in that conversation made me feel like okay,like what am I gonna do with this?And so then clearly the path for the past few years spent three years.I've decided I'd like just to not look at it.And so this is me picking it back up and holding it and not really knowing what to do with it.Almost as a model is that sometimes just noticing the thingor making eye contact with the thing is enough to just get started now,I don't have to solve this.I don't have to fix it.In fact,I can't You know if I had my way I would have this harmonious reconciliationand I would probably actually choose this go back into some formof fusion delusion where all things are greatand we don't look at hard thingsbut that's just not who I am anymore either as I refuse to participate in a lie.I want truth in my relationships.Even if it's hard like I would rather have a hard conversationbecause it's true and good that only have pretty conversations that allow us to stay distantand separate from each other. So what do I do with this?Yes,I'm doing what I'm doing here.I'm thinking about it.I'm making room for it.I'm noticing it.I'm acknowledging it.I'm naming it.I'm seeing that there's pain I'm seeing that there it's murky and gray and weird.I'm seeing that I still have feelings about it some bitterness some resentment.I actually honestly I really just want to blame his wife ratherthan have him be responsible crappy to huh.I just wish things were different.I think that's that's We like the base of thisand so hence when Father's Day comes around and I don't even think about it.It's like oh my gosh in the context of the depth of this relationship.How was it not thinking about thisbecause I didn't want to I think that's what's so fascinating and amazing to me about our brain.Our psyche is our ability to block ourselves from things.We we could look at and benefit from and how we want to protect ourselves.Sometimes make difficult or hard thingsbecause we're not sure what to do with themor we feel like if we do open up Pandora's Box and we're going to actually have to deal with it.But I think I want to suggest that like our work doesn't have to alwaysbe so hot and cold or so blackand white like I either have to deal with thisor I'm not or I either now this means I have to like call them and do something.No,it doesn't it's okay for me to have my own process.It's okay for me to acknowledge that it's there without having toagain fix it solve it dress it up dress it down.Excuse it validate it justify it fuck even analyze it it'sokay to see it acknowledge that it's there.I recognize this relationship as a hard spot in my life period maybe ellipses.I don't know like it's okay that this is hereand then I can look at itand sit in this space with itand allow it to be what it is rather than me having to step back into mydysfunctional pattern of taking responsibilityfor it and making sure that I'm the one to solving itand bearing the burden of all the bad right like I want to watch my own patternand what I want to do when I approach this Then what I really would rather not. So maybe one day I'll get to release a different episode aboutFather's Day about my relationship with my dad.That's my dream.But just because that is what I want does not mean that this conversation isn't Worthy.For now,this is what it is.It's it's sad hence Leiden a lot of talk about itand hence this blind spot in this opportunity to talk about thingsthat sometimes it just outside of my awarenessbecause I put them there not special little box.Ultimately,there are relationships that don't always fit categories,right?They don't have some cute little like Facebook relationship status that actually like fits the depthor the complexities or the time or the loss or the things that they've spanned.It's complicated relationships are complicated.Especially this one for me. Maybe you have that do. If you were here with me today the trailer there are so many things I'd want to talk about.I would feel immediately like like I over-shared I'd feel insecure that I tookup so much time because I'm not used to thatand I want to like have it be your turn nowbecause I Would be feeling kind of crummyand not really sure what to do with that feeling except just sit in it.So I don't want to be someone else's turn.I'd want to know if you have blind spotsor if this episode just depressed you wantto know what it's like for you to hear something be unfinished.Not tidied or tied up in a pretty bow at the end,but just the recognition of pain and letting that be enough for today for this part of the process.I want to know if you have any relationships that you wish were different.Do you have people in your life are like,uh,I wish there was a different ending to that one or different story.I could tell her a different narrative I could slip into I wish there man.I wish I were things I had done differently.Maybe I'm the person who is given or caused or or hurt someone in this process and if so,then what I want to know where you fit into this into this HumanExperience into this unfinished business.Because sometimes after these episodes are times when like it's like I hang out.It's like I feel like I hang up the phone and then like but wait,what do they have to say about that?What do they think about that?So I'm actually toying with the idea of starting a private Facebook groupso that we can do that so that after an episode we could jump on their together dosome live situation where we could hear more about each other stories where youcan ask me questions probably anythingbecause I'm pretty open and then I can get to ask you questions toor we could actually explore some of these things together.So right now this is an ideabut what I'm thinking is this if you want to engage some of this material further if youwant to go deeper with the things that I bring up hereor the people guess that I have on here just my own ramblings that I get to bring up here.Would you go to my website?Elise Snipes.com.I'm going to have a page there.I haven't figured out what that page is going to be yet.Let me know if you're interested in joining that Facebook community at this point again,it's idea form,but I want to connect with youand I want to hear more about the intersection intersection between these words in your wordsand how we can help them become like ourwords and a story that like lives further than Beyond you just being a listener here.Okay,one last thing Father's Day blessing to you who have been fathered.Well,I bless you.To you who have not met bless you to those of you who would say it's complicated.I bless you to those who can't even look at it yet.I bless you.To those who are fathers and fear or wonder what category they fall into I bless you.May you ask big questions may you know,there is always time to face yourself and come home.To my own father.My door is always open and my heart too. Thanks for listening.I hope you enjoyed what you heard.If you are interested in beginning your own work in therapy or coaching.You can go to www.hsn.com. Follow me on Instagram at Elise Snipes Collective where I willbe sharing more with you throughout the week.You can get in touch with me to suggest a topicfor the show or to ask a question from your own life.You would like to have answered or just say hi by emailing me at Elise a daily Snipes.com.Remember to subscribe on iTunes and tell your friends.